I would have at another time gladly taken the assistance, and the gift offered but today the need to project that pain, anger and sadness was unable to be contained and ruined what should have been a good thing.
The wound that was seen in that moment when I projected without recourse or ability to contain it was something I have been shying away from for a very long time. It has caused some things in me that I would rather not see but equally I cannot escape. It came to me with sudden sadness that I am a person with a mood disorder as well as empathic gifts, normally held in check in a numbness of sloth and depression, punctuated with a deep sadness that brings me to the edge of weeping for myself, the world I live in and the people I will never know.
But the flip side is there too, even if it is shorter and less well developed. I know that for tiny moments I am blessed with extreme insight, if not happiness, and when I let my guard down can even feel joy. This is not my natural state any more although I remember when I was open and able to experience that joy I close myself off from so tightly now. I remember before I went to school, and was bullied and called fat constantly leading me to eat more in an emotional redundancy loop.
I hated running around, I enjoyed and still enjoy food, and blocked the world out by trying to not conform and growing larger, fatter and more obese because the children around me poured scorn into me. I was one of those people who reacted to the scorn by taking it as my mantle and taking it as my banner. I bottled the rage, the hurt and the violence I knew would be released if I really reacted to the constant pressure against me. I made it into a core of firey rage that allowed me to build barriers and slowly rebuild my internal outlook but it also has crippled me.
I am an empath, not strong but generally able to pick up the surface feelings, the lies, the betrayals, and the obvious thoughts of people around me. If I know someone well it becomes background, and I actively avoid what would really hurt them to know only intervening if people are hurting, out of sorts or carrying another life, but I am not that good with people I am getting to know. I find myself looking at their thoughts, getting to know the language that is part of their make up, and sometimes looking deeper than they expect. It is that first moment of proper connection I crave, its an addiction I cannot describe. better than any drug because it is the person exposed fully and for a brief moment they have no secrets, no hang ups, and my barriers disappear. but it doesn't last, everyone puts up their barriers..
the person that does it the most is me.
I cannot allow myself to exist as a full person. I cannot feel joy without the barriers being down as joy is the expression of hope and happiness with others, it is not just a mild moment of endorphin rush, it is not just a change of the sadness to lack of sadness, it is far bigger than that and as an empath I know it more fully than most.
instead i have crippled myself with rage, sadness, numbness and pain. hiding in a shell of flesh to reduce the noise of others emotions (it does work), ignoring my empathic senses for just what I can see, forgetting that I can touch, taste, smell and hear as well with my empathic senses giving me clues and building the picture clarifies that which is who I am. I find myself unable to feel true happiness, as the absence of sadness is not happiness, the absence of pain is not joy. I find that I have smothered the ball of fire that once I could use to motivate my righteousness, my rage is crystalised and numb but the fire is still there in a heart of ice, burning cold making me icy and hurting others without my control.
It also reminded me that I am an egotistical man with the belief that all people deserve to have a real chance to contribute to the society that we all inhabit. I believe that people need to live lives not just exist in them. To "wake up" but at the same time I see that I have been asleep to my own internal dialogue. I have hidden from myself my needs to rebuild my internal map, open myself to opportunities of joy, to return to my faith.
The only thing that has kept me from killing myself when in this emptiness comes to me is my faith in god. I have made my peace with death, and uriel and I have an understanding that when he comes for me finally I am not upset with it. however because I believe that suicide is a sin and it is not my life to lose, or use, but Jesus's it makes it fairly obvious that I won't give up my life unless that is what is needed for the greater good. Not the human "greater good" but god's.
The odd thing is I know that if I had not made the commitment to god this way I would have destroyed others by now. I am a microbiologist with the knowledge of thousands of fungi and virus. the skills to use them in the wrong way, and with the ball of rage burning in me, the incentive to use them that way. I would have killed myself but so many others would have gone with me and areas around the world would have been quarantined for generations. I could not have constrained the rage that was in me. I could not have forgiven others for the wrongs that they dealt me. Innocence would not have been a good enough excuse. Instead I would have turned the heart of fire onto others instead of internalising the pain and crippling myself in the process. I choose the right way but I need to heal and this requires more than I can deal with by myself.
Instead I was saved by faith and the horrific knowledge I held was safely avoided.
It is a moment of wonder to me that I didn't choose the path of destruction. that I chose to love others, to want the best for all people. To not become a bully. To not become a liar, a thief and a murderer. To not allow my machevalian tendancies and knowledge to be the primary part of me. Instead i have been granted faith, hope and love. and the greatest of these really is love. I may not feel joy often, but unconditional love is always there, even if I forget to notice it. It is there, greater than me, greater than the love I get from my family and friends, greater than the love I touch on when I see the entrails of the world. Not Éros, Agápe, Philia, or even Storge. Instead there is a love that transcends the love I as an empath can comprehend and I cannot avoid it. Everyone is embraced in it but only those that choose to open their hearts, their minds and their souls to it can ever understand what an incredible force it is guiding and moving through us all.
Once you choose to open your heart it is there, waiting, changing the world one person at a time. it is never reduced, eternal not infinite, and I can finally see how much it has been part of me for so long supporting my healing, and finally today exposing me to the realities of my internal processes. But I know that I need something more than just my faith to do the healing. God performs wonders but the tools are here for a reason.
I'm going to have to change and heal again or this is going to be a problem in me forever. I am being shown this for a reason now I have to do something about it.
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