looking at infinity

Wow, its been more than a year since I saw my self needing to be open with the world at large. A year of spiritual change and physical change. The year started in a funk, with me with out a job, without much in the way of hope and definitely without the drive to make much more of myself. I couldn't continue my studies because of financial constraints, was very very depressed but surprisingly the death thoughts were not part of the daily grind, and numbness was my only constant companion. It got better when I thought I could change my destiny a little by using the courses given by the unemployment services to choose a job that I could do even if it wasn't something I was really designed for, and over the middle of the year I worked hard and got that qualification, I even did on the job training and work experience and volunteering in the field to get a chance at something long term.

Then I go and get myself sick and under an x-ray find out that I can't do anything with my back again as I have multiple fractures, curvature of the spine, and possibly massive bone density problems. Now I expected cancer, I expected heart disease, but finding that my bones are choosing not to be part of my body is something I really didn't expect. Add to that a possibility of a chronic lung disease when I don't smoke, don't breath smog, and only have a mild form of hay-fever and actively try to keep the dust levels down and It really is one of those oh crap moments when the numbness finally breaks and terror, hatred of my life, upset at my lack of accomplishment, bitterness with all the bullshit I have dealt with, and self loathing at my lack of determination and will needed to get up every morning at the crack of dawn and look for anouther disappointment. Oh and I was utterly sick to boot, so sick that I was taking high grade anti-biotics just to keep the air ways clear enough for me breath even as virus, fungi and bacteria vie for the joy of my lungs.

so I was lying there, back in care, sick as a dog with a headache from lack of oxygen as my lungs filled with things I would rather not even think about let alone remember, and for the first moment all year I got it. I had been expecting the worst, had been unable to carry myself any distance what so ever, bitter because I couldn't succeed in what I really needed to be and I finally stopped. The holy ghost is somewhat hard to ignore some days and there when I wanted to give up and accept that the best I could hope for was my death. I find myself needing to clean up my act, and put away my sins, and remember that I am alive because i am his, not because I just wanted to get my own way. So I went and started to clean my hard drive, work on my personal failings, notice my cursing, my anger, my sloth, my pride, and even go so far as to start to work on them.

But it also came with a different idea as well, a gift of mathematics and chaos theory that both astounded me and removed both the problems of free-will and predestination. Its so simple it sounds crazy but the two ideas are co-existent and don't break the universal understanding if applied to the concepts of strange attractors and  a better understanding of the concept of infinity and eternity. its weird when you find yourself writing a thesis the next day solving an imponderable that split the protestant church into factions and continually drives people from the church to this day and it really isn't your mind that can easily express the idea but the next day its written clearer and more concisely than you have ever written before.

but the weirdest thing is not that, its the next day, when the energy, life and hope mixed with shame and grief that i felt the day before is gone, and all I am left with is the numbness and grey that I feel now. I know its a numbness required for healing, I know its there to allow me to compose myself and design how I will tackle the gifts I have been bestowed, with a chance to reignite my faith if I take it up. But the numbness is there, and I feel the other presences I have felt most of my life but ignored because they are not Holy beings grabbing hold of me and distracting me from my task. What I didn't expect was to be reminded again of my failings and to be reminded of the way as i have got closer to this week when I was rebuked for cursing by a non believer a few weeks later put the boot in on the failings I need to work on but it also reminded me even sick I need to work on what I have been tasked to do.

So here I am 2 am not particularly well, still worried about my bone density, and my lungs because the machines don't deal with people of my size, and finally out of the daze that i have for a year been in. even as i learned it wasn't what i needed. even as i squandered my days I didn't accomplish anything worth while, but it wasn't because i could avoid it. I was learning patience, I was learning to ignore the numbness, and it has finally revived an ember in me for something better. It is a something better I will find in the not so normal, and will mean I have to follow the theological pathway, that I ignored and fight against each day, but it can only make me whole if I choose something in which i am passionate. choosing the simple money choice has failed, choosing the skills i am most blessed with is proving to be a joke, but something else is here and i am somewhat unsure what it is that I am going to be but what ever it is I will be it soon.