So although its not officially summer in Adelaide the temperature has decided that it will start again. And with it I have started to lack sleep again. Restlessness permiates my night soul and the things that should matter again are becoming jumbled. I can't stop thinking about death, love, pain, and the environment and the core basis of humanity. the world is full of joy and pain and it seems to be my mantra touching my body and design. I keep on losing weight, but with it I seem to be losing focus and care about, well, anything. The joy is disconnected, the pain is significant but not real. I cannot emotionally sense and its like having your retinas yanked out after always living in the light.
I know that I am loved and it is absolute and certain but it is not emotional anymore. Its closer to the fundament of reality than the living life I have known for so very long. Instead its nearly tangible but without the warmth and truth I have for so long held. I know I need to retun to the church, i need to pray, I need so more hope but the lack of care is always there. however the love is even now more real than ever before but it is lacking in the life that I know from a living jesus.
On top of this sex and passion keep on rearing their design but even my beast doesn't want to wake up and find a mate. I want to feel the passion and want to retun to the desire I have held in check for so very long but the passion just seems oblique.
but even as I write this i find that I really am in an incredible world of wonder. I can game, I keep on seeing future possibilities and although I know that I cannot be part of most of them the world looks like it will walk the path if we can get off our collective ass and utilise what we have been given. but even with this little ray of light in my life I see the darkness rising as well. The future is not bright but its not murky or obsure anymore. We can make power without non renewable resources at an efficient level cheeply enough. we can provide the food we need for our entire population if we are willing to use hydroculture and fully renewable food stocks. we can survive hunan disasters if we start to look to each other. we can expand to the rest of the solar system if we are willing to again look to the stars. but depression, the spiritual maise of faithlessness, the passionless analyitical path, and the belief in corporations, markets and the degredation of internal cultures keeps on destoying the truth of a greater future.
I hope i'm wrong, I don't expect to last more than 2 years now and I doubt now that I will ever find the one I was made to love but if I knew that people could at least belive in a greatness that loves them truly named jesus christ I might at least die hopeful for the future of man.
I know that I am loved and it is absolute and certain but it is not emotional anymore. Its closer to the fundament of reality than the living life I have known for so very long. Instead its nearly tangible but without the warmth and truth I have for so long held. I know I need to retun to the church, i need to pray, I need so more hope but the lack of care is always there. however the love is even now more real than ever before but it is lacking in the life that I know from a living jesus.
On top of this sex and passion keep on rearing their design but even my beast doesn't want to wake up and find a mate. I want to feel the passion and want to retun to the desire I have held in check for so very long but the passion just seems oblique.
but even as I write this i find that I really am in an incredible world of wonder. I can game, I keep on seeing future possibilities and although I know that I cannot be part of most of them the world looks like it will walk the path if we can get off our collective ass and utilise what we have been given. but even with this little ray of light in my life I see the darkness rising as well. The future is not bright but its not murky or obsure anymore. We can make power without non renewable resources at an efficient level cheeply enough. we can provide the food we need for our entire population if we are willing to use hydroculture and fully renewable food stocks. we can survive hunan disasters if we start to look to each other. we can expand to the rest of the solar system if we are willing to again look to the stars. but depression, the spiritual maise of faithlessness, the passionless analyitical path, and the belief in corporations, markets and the degredation of internal cultures keeps on destoying the truth of a greater future.
I hope i'm wrong, I don't expect to last more than 2 years now and I doubt now that I will ever find the one I was made to love but if I knew that people could at least belive in a greatness that loves them truly named jesus christ I might at least die hopeful for the future of man.
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